Sacred Ambivalence

I’ve had a lot of eccentric spiritual experience. Lots of people have. It’s not crazy just something that’s hard to talk about, hard to nail down and validate. God has spoken to me from within many times. God uses questions, short sentences and even one word comments.

Recently God interrupted my obsessive mental monologue: What if my memoir is just another achievement for my ego? And God-in-me said, So? One little word-question stopped me cold, silenced my fear and shame, and told me the truth: So what if it’s an achievement, can’t I also give it to you as a gift?

You might think that these kinds of “voices” have brought me clarity, a stronger religious faith, some surety.

But that is not the case.

Thank God, for if it were, what would there be for me to question, nag God about, write fierce words about, preach on, teach, fuss, obsess, lament and wrestle about for the rest of my days?

Oh, I have given and will keep giving answers to open-ended questions, because I love to do that; I just don’t have answers of the kind people long for, answers laced with certitude.

And I have told and will keep telling of resolutions to struggles, and try to nail peace down because I love happy endings that are true—and not.

I’m not disappointed by this ambiguity. Ambivalence seems to me to be the only sane stance in life, because when I move too far to one side (zealotry) or the other (atheism) of religious expression I end up not liking myself much, and I’m one of the wisest agnostics I know.

I call my ambivalence sacred, because it tempers my drive toward omniscience; it keeps me balanced; it helps me maintain a spirituality that is both intellectual and compassionate; and it reminds me of the one thing about which I’m not ambivalent: the first “eucharist” at which I was “ordained” to preside under the dining room table as a “priest” with Ritz crackers and a tiny invisible congregation who listened to my words and received the sacrament.

Under the table I found my vocation, my hopeful soul as a child, and enough power to keep me going until I could come out from under the table as a woman and priest.

Under the table I fell in love with a God who who wasn’t afraid of authority or cocktail hours, a God within me whose love never dies even when I betray it, a God who gave my my vision for the Church and maybe for all humanity.

To be both political and mystical as the Church in all its expressions should be we will find a table big enough for everyone to crawl under and sit, either to chat or be in silence.

As it is now we spend too much time on top of the small table fighting for position and power.

Will it happen? Probably not, but there’s nothing wrong with asking.

What in the World is EfM?

I have been a mentor for the Education for Ministry (EfM) program since 1984, and I write to say that it is, in my un-humble opinion, the best program of Christian spiritual formation that the church has come up with since, well, whatever you think the best thing is.
EfM is my favorite way of being a priest. A mentor is not a teacher but more of a guide and accompanist to students in a small seminar group who study together, pray together and engage in a process of theological reflection on their lives over four years.
There is a small tuition ($340 a year with scholarship aid available upon request) for which a student gets all the reading materials, thirty-six lessons a year, and the mentor a tiny honorarium.
The curriculum comes out of the Episcopal seminary of the South, Sewanee, TN. It is sophisticated material but not inaccessible. A student signs up to be in the seminar one year at a time. Most students love EfM and stay to graduate in four years. The diplomas are handsome and frameable. It is quite an achievement to graduate and grow in grace.
The Bible turns out to have much relevance to your soul; church history astounds and enlightens; theology up to today teaches you it is a verb, something you do; your own spiritual desires, quests, gifts and questions are known and loved.
EfM is ecumenical and most groups have students from a variety of faith traditions. In our groups we have had Episcopalians, Methodists, Unitarians, Roman Catholics, a Quaker or two, United Church of Christ, and even an ordained pastor who wanted a small group of prayer, learning and community outside her own parish work.
The word ministry sometimes creates anxiety. People think about ordained ministry. The premise of EfM is that all Christians are ordained to ministry at baptism and further, that every encounter or happening presents an opportunity to enhance or impede the flow of divine Love.
Over the four years we discern our gifts, inclinations and passions together. Each student comes out with a sense of what her/his ministry is, often what they are already doing. Ministry after all is what you do, with whatever you have, as who you are, wherever you are—inspired by Love.
Sometimes a student will come to the truth that her or his ministry is to herself; sometimes a ministry is the skill and pleasure of encouraging others; sometimes one desires further study, even moving toward ordination; sometimes a ministry is taking a major step in a new direction altogether. Often a student decides to take the training to become a mentor him or herself and start a group.
A seminar group offers support but not judgment, advice or problem-solving. What happens in a weekly seminar? We begin with a brief worship (prayers, poems, music, silence, meditation) each student taking a turn. Occasionally there will be a Eucharist, sometimes even a group Eucharist. We share what has amused, attracted, stunned or confused, angered us in the week’s lesson. We take a break to EAT!!! People bring amazing food to go with our spiritual food. We engage in a process of theological reflection, often amazed to discover how rich our tradition, especially biblical, is and how it sheds light on our lives and gives us wise insights we’d never thought of.

The joy students often experience is knowing themselves more deeply, appreciating their ministries, and getting comfortable with questioning their religion. We eat, pray, laugh, love and learn together.
“It’s the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself my whole life.”
“Just to learn that there were actually three popes at one time freed me!”
“I never understood the Bible just from listening to little snippets in church.”
“Wow! Really eye-opening to get to know Jesus so well. Never understood that whole thing and now I consult Jesus like a friend.”
“I can pray out loud for a group and create a little worship service without clergy help.”
“I see my school teaching as ministry and my own students in the light of grace. It helps my patience.”
“I have learned to trust my relationship with myself.”
“I’m really awake in church because I recognize stuff.”
(And one I can't resist from a disgruntled teenage son who is now forty: "Mom! It's all over the calendar! EfM, EfM, EfM.......eternal (expletive deleted) meeting!"

As a mentor I find that congregational life is enlivened by an informed laity.
EfM is nationwide and international in scope with students all over the world participating. Check the website on how to find a group or call your local Episcopal clergy or diocesan office to inquire.

Goodbye Margaret

Recently, NOT via Facebook or google, imagine! . . . I have reconnected with two best girlfriends of old, one from first to sixth grade, Margaret, and the other from high school and college years, Annie. Just when we found each other through old school connections we have had to say good bye, God be with ye. Annie died a year after our grand and talkative reunion in person, and Margaret is in the process of dying and too far away for a visit except by email. My farewell e-letter I share for anyone in a similar situation.

Dear Margaret,

What a loving thing for your son to do creating a Maine nook so you're able to be there and gaze at your beloved summer place as you lie in your bed in hospice care resting and dozing in beauty.

I am so sorry we won't be able to meet in person, but I want you to know what a powerful influence you were on my childhood, mostly one of mischief, laughter and just being girlfriend-to-girlfriend as we grew up together and managed to survive even the gunny sack blue serge lower school uniforms.

You made my young life, growing up in a family where there was love and caring and also alcoholism and anxiety, joyful. Thank you Margy with a hard G as I used to call you.

In addition to you I counted on God. As a kid I would often find refuge from the eternal and everlasting, or so it seemed, evening cocktail hour under a large dining room table where I chatted (gave little sermons) with my imaginary friends and a fourth friend I called God. I'd snitch Ritz crackers from the cocktail tray, eat one and leave the other four lined up on the table's cross beams waiting there for my friends and God. Later I would come to understand this childhood ritual as my first ordination as a priest and a call to a vocation I didn't pursue for years. Being a mother came first (two daughters, two sons, all grown with families of their own.)

That's a tiny but formative piece of my story. I wish I knew more of your story and the joys and sorrow that have filled your life over the 60 years since we last saw each other. I did google you and see that you did a lot of philanthropic work in the arts and consulting. Also your info sounds like you are a feminist or at least a promoter of women's gifts and passions. There's a reason we were such soulmates! I saw your photo in the yearbook and you hadn't changed a wit from sixth grade to graduation.

I hate to have to say goodbye just as we're saying hello again, but such is the unsteadiness of life and death.

Perhaps I will put this in a card also as I'm not sure how much email time you will want to spend as you rest and move into your death. Be sad but don't fret for there is nothing, even death, that can separate us from the Love beyond all loves some of us call God. I send you this ancient blessing and, although I don't know of your own religious journey or faith, I send it in the spirit of grateful memories for our short but lively friendship.

God bless you and keep you;
the face of God shine upon you and from within you
and bathe you in peace
this day, this hour, this minute and for ever. AMEN

I love you my bright childhood friend.

Lyn

Blog Snacks With Lemons

This blog is NOT a diary!!

It’s not full of trivial personal anecdotes with no soul, meat or meaning. I hear that is a reason some folks avoid checking in on bloggers and hope I have moved beyond the heaving narcissism of my “Dear Diary . . .” days.
My spiritual lemons are meant to awaken, provoke your reflection and call you to your depths.
But they might make you pucker up in case you expect some can-do or how-to spiritual advice that will last as long as your nose.
This week I offer these spiritual snacks.
-Boston Globe headline quote, 5/22/09, from President Obama’s speech, a necessary corrective to the Cheney same-old rant. Obama: “ I believe with every fiber of my being that in the long run we also cannot keep this country safe unless we enlist the power of our most fundamental values . . . “ Lemon: We cannot keep this country safe from our enemies without the power of our enemies.

-Jim Wallis: “New vision is always what any society most needs, and the edges of society have always been the most likely place for it to emerge. To generate something new, one must be listening to voices other than the loud voices of mass society.”

-Feminist Lemon: The feminization of any institution is no better for humanity than has been its masculinization.

-Ani Di Franco: “Someone you don't know is someone you don't know
Keep a firm grip girl and don't let go
Behind every hand extended another lies in wait
Keep an eye on that one - Anticipate”

-Jesus of Nazareth: “Be innocent as doves and wily as serpents.”

-Wily Lemon: There is little or nothing evil but that we make it so.

-Spiritual Lemon Policy: There is only one thing more important than individual rights and that is the common good.

Lemony wit/wisdom, oldie but goodie: “My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.” “Wow!, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?” “The judge told him.”

Lemon: Godde has no way to you but through you.

The Priest Wears Dangling Earrings—Still

Just three known-to-me times in my twenty-some years of being a priest, active in parishes, counseling, spiritual direction and chaplaincy, have my earrings made the headlines in someone’s mind—once for scandal, once for shock, and once for delight.
The Episcopal Church voted that women could be ordained in 1976, a very good year for church and USA. I was ordained in 1988 after some struggle, but women were still not regular fixtures at parish altars. We just didn’t look right. To some we were an offense.
When I started celebrating at the altar in my first parish in Connecticut I wore the correct uniform except for one thing—my dangly gold earrings. They were delicate, teardrop-shaped like a fish, the Christian symbol after all, but they raised eyebrows. No one said anything to me personally but by Monday morning the moribund, covered with dust and cobwebs Suggestion Box contained two slips of paper. We knew there was new life for this old box because the messengers had carefully left the edge of the white message paper sticking out of the slot.
The messages were for me. One note said, “The priest should NOT wear dangly earrings,” and the other one was like unto it. I gave them to the male rector, told him they were for him, went home, fumed to anyone who would listen, asked Godde what to do, and wore buttons not danglers the next Sunday and several more until the people knew me and liked me behind my danglers. Then I wore the danglers again without comment. It was okay to be an anomaly but not wise to flaunt my gender ornaments in anger and just to mock others. Motives count.
The second time my earrings drew comment was when I officiated at the wedding of my former spiritual director, a French Jesuit priest who had left his country, his religion and his order to marry a sweet young thing named Mary. He hadn’t left his Roman Catholic priesthood, just transferred into Episcopal priesthood. A priest is a priest is a priest. Okay for him to have me officiate but the shock for at least one Catholic wedding guest jumped unbidden out of her mouth. “Look! The priest has earrings!”
The third time my earrings became the center of someone’s attention was in the yes of a six month old child at her baptism. She was screeching, her parents blushing and shushing when I reached for the child to get it over with quickly. Suddenly she stopped her wailing and stared at me with smiles and coos. That was just before she grabbed at one of my danglers and yanked. In spite of the endangerment to my ear everyone laughed. How cute!
The moral of this story is that dangling earrings can be dangerous, but isn’t that true of all adornments? They stand out, command attention, turn heads.
Scripture has a tradition of adornment. Godde adorns with beauty those whom society casts out. Godde raises them up, saves them from the muck of human degradation and abuse, calls them beloved, and dresses them in garments of fair linen, and fits them for halos—and the women get dangly earrings.

Hands On!

In the church we have a sacred practice called laying-on-of-hands to pray and bless. Having just come home from a refresher training about legal and pastoral issues on the dangers of too much touch I offer a cautionary tale.

We have a beautiful handsy blessing practice in the Episcopal church. It’s odd maybe to be doing this sort of thing in a world gone mad about boundaries, no-touch, and the swine flu. Nevertheless we continue to do this in our parish.

Last Sunday was the first time we ever did this with a child, a ten year old boy I’ll call Johnnie.

When people are about to go in for surgery or have a dear one who is seriously ill or even when they are moving away and leaving the community we pray for healing or safety or whatever is requested. The person in need of community support and prayer stands in front of the priest who is celebrating that day, The priest invites those who are able and comfortable to come forward, and gather around the person to focus their hearts in prayer with that person. The priest lays his or her hands on the head of the suppliant and everyone else extends their hands to place them either directly on the shoulders, head or arms of the person asking for prayers. The priest prays out loud and the whole congregation joins into the prayer with their own prayers and with their spirits.

Johnnie was headed for major back surgery to correct scoliosis. The rector asked him if he'd like prayers for healing. He said yes and then asked several times When?

When his Sunday came he stepped forward, stood before the priest with his head slightly bowed but not enough to conceal his bright expectant eyes. Everyone gathered.

We made a chain of hands, lines of hopeful, fearful, trusting, loving energy flowed from all those hands into the boy.

I was there as the assisting priest that day and told Johnnie I would place one of my hands directly on his back in the place where the spinal correction would be effected. He nodded, his crop of dark hair skimming his eyebrows. I thought what a beautiful boy he was.

When I first became a priest and did this blessing I worried about where the right words would come from There are formulaic prayers in our prayer book, but we usually count on the Spirit to give us the best words. And She does!

Spirit-inspired prayers are some of the most moving. Silent touching focused prayers are some of the most moving. They come from many hearts all beating their love into the heart of the one in need.

This day the prayer words were not only eloquent but simple and specific, including blessings for courage and soothing of anxiety for Johnnie’s parents and siblings all there with their hands on their son and brother. I pressed my hand firmly into Johnnie’s back. His little five year old sister did too, her eyes wide open in awe.

This was a holy moment, a community moment, a godly moment. There was enough spirit around and tears and sweetness to guard against both swine flu and the succumbing to the currrent cultural affliction I call boundary paranoia and touch-panic. What price Love?

Everyone knows prayer is no guarantee of outcome but we do it together anyway because it matters to us and it matters to God and it matters to our relationship.

In Johnnie’s case, the surgery went well. He will be home soon. He has a new lap top to keep him from wanting to run and play and get rough and tumble and risk jeopardizing his recovery. His mother and father will need prayers to keep him down. But his deformity will not follow him through his life creating worse and worse pain and giving him a bent body as he ages.

And he will never forget the laying-on-of-hands he received on May, 2009, in the Easter season from the hands of a small Christina community at St. John's Church in Gloucester, Massachusetts —hands of people who didn't all know him well but who all love him well.

Johnnie’s will carry this love in his body for the rest of his life; he will remember this day in his flesh forever.

This is the point of religious community, isn’t it?

The Tortoise and the Hare

Recently I’ve been aware of a racy restless tension roiling around inside my soul as well as my gut. I’m impatient. time is more finite than I’ve ever experienced it before. And, though I’m not old, I’m getting old anyway.

There are days I wonder if even Godde can keep up with me!

My questions of the day to myself is: Do I have too much hare energy and not enough tortoise energy in my fuel tank? Do I have too much hare wisdom and not enough tortoise wisdom commandeering my mind?

Then I look around me and wonder if the whole culture, at least in my northeastern corner of the states is over-hared and under-tortoised. People honk when it‘s obvious that the line of traffic can not move. I don’t see much meandering along the streets. People on the subways hang their sleepy heads in exhaustion at the end of the day. Kids seem over-programmed. When do they play?

I have no good answers except the usual bromide about getting balanced. I love my hare and I love my tortoise, BOTH.

Today I will try to remember my tortoise and praise her for her slow steadiness of spirit. They say she wins the race, but I don’t think that’s really true. The hare can win if she’d take a second to stop and kiss the tortoise, maybe take a minute to stand on her back to view the scenery and come back to check on her progress. And the tortoise could pick it up a little too.

Then again they could travel together and cross the finish line of whatever together.

And what if there isn’t even a race!?