Wednesday, September 18, 2013

2013.09.18 Biblical Headlines?

Sometimes, just to help me avoid over-seriousness or grim piety, I poke fun at my religion. I try to imagine what a headline for some biblical story or teaching might be like using today’s jargon. 

In ancient times there were no newspapers, headlines, reporters, journalists or features.  The news traveled orally by word of mouth. And boy did it travel fast!  Even today news gets around like lightning via i-phones, texts, emails and old fashioned land lines!

Extra! Extra! Hear all about it................

Rabbinical type in Galilee stirs up crowds with ethical sermons. Desperate, authorities debate use of drones. 

Moses sees a bush on fire. Local FD unable to extinguish, affirms it’s eternal flame.

Betrothed virgin (name withheld) found pregnant. Paternity suit fails in juvenile court.  Identified Father did not appear in court. Charged with contempt. Virgin sent away to her cousin’s.

King David betrayed by son Absalom. King does not press charges, writes more psalms instead.

New Jewish sect claims Risen Lord. Evidence suggests the claim might be true despite lack of factual evidence.  Resurrection news reported by women called idle gossip—discredited due to sexism!

God diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Only known cure is a new doctrine called Trinity.

Early Christians proclaim Good News: God is Love strong enough to conquer death. Most  ignore. A few disbelieve for joy.  Some call for persecution.  Still others plant a Church.

Tiny parish in Philippi  under archiepiscopal scrutiny for possible Christological heresy: Jesus could be = to God?

Grammar police arrest St. Paul for overuse of the semicolon. Judge reduces length of sentence.

It’s all myth, mirth, and miracle rolled into one big fat religio-spiritual Mystery! Laugh and love in the name of all that is Holy.