Showing posts with label silence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silence. Show all posts

Sunday, April 6, 2025

2025.04.06 Prayer Journaling. Lyn G. Brakman, Spiritual Lemons, blog post

🙏🙏🙏


The writer Flannery O’Connor started a prayer journal when she was a young student about twenty. She began a journal of prayers, addressed to God. In it, she wrote: "I do not mean to deny the traditional prayers I have said all my life; but I have been saying them and not feeling them. My attention is always very fugitive. This way I have it every instant. I can feel a warmth of love heating me when I think & write this to You." 


She kept her prayer journal for two years, then dropped it, calling her Soul “stupid and slothful”. “Dear Lord please make me want You .”  “I am a cheese, make me a mystic immediately.  .  .  .  Her Soul  “wants the God who made heaven and earth, to be its Lover. Immediately.   .  .  .   She judges herself and her writing as a “sham” and ends up feeling “very far away from God. He might as well not have made me.  .  .  .  Today I have proved myself a glutton — for Scotch oatmeal cookies and erotic thought. There is nothing left to say of me." That was the end of the prayer journal.


Reading this was very sad. I too kept a prayer journal. When I was on a silent directed retreat I was able to let go of all judgments and, “egg up” (like puke) some coherent wisdom and deep emotions I had kept hidden.


The first time I took a weeklong silent retreat at a monastery in the 1980s, I felt like a religious hotshot. Solitude — no crockpot, no squabbles, no traffic — was mine. Within 24 hours, I became furious. Why was no one speaking to me? Why were they all so rude — monks, nuns, and everyone? Be patient. Wait for God? Baloney, I thought. 


I felt helpless and alone. I wrote letters of rage and sorrow to God. Slowly, a surge of safety and truth, wrapped in silence, rose up inside me. I met my self. 


Alone but not lonely. 

Sunday, September 4, 2022

2022.09.04 What Is Freedom? Lyn G. Brakeman, Spiritual Lemons, blog post


Below is the obituary of a solitary confinement prisoner that appeared in the latest issue of  the Economist This “punishment” is sinfully inhuman and accomplishes nothing except the silencing of one person’s outer voice. But what happens to the inner voice? 


Are not silence and solitude divine commodities sought by monastics and other brave retreatants who seek, and pay for, the graces of solitude and silence in retreat settings? 


And did not Jesus, in an abrupt, almost cruel way, teach that in order to fully serve the Good we have to separate ourselves from our most precious beloved attachments? (Luke 14:25-43)


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Albert Woodfox, held in solitary confinement for more than four decades, died on August 5th, 2022, aged 75.















“I feel my soul as vast as the world, truly a soul as deep as the deepest of rivers; my chest has the power to expand to infin-ity. I was made to give.”   When Albert Woodfox first read those words of Frantz Fanon, he was sitting on the floor of a nine-by-six cell. Or on his concrete bunk, the only furniture apart from a metal toilet and a metal sink. There were bars on the door, and a tiny window that let in a sliver of sky. His ankles were shackled, and a leather strap bound his wrists to his waist. In these he would shuffle alone for an hour a day round a larger concrete space, ringed with barbed wire, which was laughably called the exercise yard. The other 23 hours he spent in his cell in the Louisiana State Penitentiary. He was there for almost 44 years, or 16,000 days, probably the longest spell of solitary for any man in the history of American prisons.    


The place was known as Angola. It had once been a slave plantation, holding mostly Angolans and growing mostly sugarcane on 18,000 acres. Cutting cane was now done by prisoners, labouring in gangs supervised by white guards who rode alongside with shotguns on their laps. The task was so brutal that men would pay to have limbs broken to avoid it. He had cut cane during his first stint there, before he was locked up alone. He was not nostalgic for it, not even for the company.


In summer his cell was torment. Mosquitoes ate him alive, and he sweated so much that his constant pacing left a wet stripe on the floor. But in any season at any time the worst things, the panic and claustrophobia, could hit him. Soaking sweat would tighten his floppy prison jumpsuit, and the walls would move towards him. The air and the ceiling would descend to smother him. He would leap up then, pacing and pacing, to send the horror away. Each morning on waking he asked himself whether this was the day he would at last lose his sanity.


He was there for a murder he had not committed, the stabbing of a guard called Brent Miller in 1972. Not a shred of evidence linked him to that crime, but he had picked up radical thinking in prison. That was enough to frame him. After three indictments and two trials he was found guilty, but the witnesses were unreliable and the U.S. Court of Appeals in 2014 overturned his conviction, mostly citing racism. The next year he was released after pleading “No Contest” to lesser charges: as good as innocent, to his mind. Almost all the time between he was in solitary, occasionally in the Red Hat block, where the walls were an arm-span apart, rats ran through the darkness and the only food was bread.


Of course he was no angel, but a hardened criminal. From boyhood, growing up ragged and poor in the Sixth Ward in New Orleans, he stole canned goods from shops and pastries from delivery vans. His mother tried to keep him straight but, arrogant, he wouldn’t listen. Older, he stole cars, stereos, tvs, and turned to armed robbery to support a heroin habit. He hurt his own people, black folk who had nothing, and didn’t care. His street name was Fox, but he chose to be a Wolf, who won any fight and who saw incarceration, especially in Angola, as a badge of honor. The only real freedom he knew in those years came when he and his gang would steal the tourist buggy-horses from their stable and race them at night in a park until their mouths foamed.


In Angola, though, he began to change. Conditions there were so bad that he cobbled together a moral code for himself. Sexual slavery was rife, but when he watched a new inmate weeping after being raped he determined to stamp it out. He and a fellow prisoner, Herman Wallace, set up a chapter of the radical Black Panthers—whose methods he had first observed in Tombs prison in Manhattan—to protest against the cane-cutting, and curbed stealing in their cell-tier by organising the share-out of food. They argued for black autonomy, dignity and self-esteem, free minds. When he was put in solitary, supposedly for the Miller murder but really for these ideas, Wallace and another Black Panther, Robert King, were locked in solitary too. Together they pledged that they would not only survive, but come out stronger.


So it happened. His own tiny cell now became a university, full of law books borrowed from the prison library. Armed with case law, read 40 or 50 times if need be, he won small privileges for all the solitary prisoners: fans, radios, magazine subscriptions and an end to unnecessary strip-searches. For two hours a day he would read about the troubles of the outside world, which not only took him mentally out of his cell but expanded his sympathy with the whole of suffering humanity. He did not care much now if, when he complained about his toilet blocking up, tear gas was sprayed in his face. Far worse was happening elsewhere.


A lot of noise went on too, but of a good sort. The ringing bars became a communication system on which prisoners could send maths tests to each other, or invent quizzes. They would play chess by shouting out their moves. His own greatest achievement, he felt, was to have taught a prisoner called Goldy to read. On his hour out, he would stand in front of Goldy’s cell and they would go through the dictionary together. After that, he encouraged his pupil to call him any time of the day or night if he still couldn’t understand. One glorious day Goldy found sounds and words knitting together, and the world opened up to him.


In all these ways, Fox’s solitary cell became the opposite of what his captors intended. It grew to contain the world. And when at last he was released, in February 2016 on his 69th birthday, the real world seemed in many ways no freer. He moved there, still, as though he felt his shackles. He avoided eye contact with others, and feared crowds because an attack might come from any side. In the security of his cell he had dived and soared. Outside, at first, he shrank again. It took a while for him to grow into a fierce campaigner for an end to the evil of solitary confinement, but when he did he discovered afresh the truth he had learned in that nine-by-six cell: that his soul was as vast as the world, as deep as the deepest river, as wide as infinity, and as free.


Albert Woodfox, held in solitary confinement for more than four decades, died on August 5th, aged 75.


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This is beyond brilliant testimony!!  I know there is still some protesting against solitary confinement and hope for its elimination. I've never thought it a good idea anyway, but this obituary, in the most painfully true and miraculous way, gives it spiritual meaning.


It affirms something at least for going on retreats of silence every once in a while.  The first time I ever went on such a retreat I felt angry for two whole days because no one was speaking to me. Of course we could roam about on the monastery grounds and there were wonderful silent meals at which we at least smiled across the table. And a few people by choice took their meals at a table alone. 


Soon I settled into it—and soon my own soul soared.  


How ancient, treacherous, and mysterious, after all,  is this phenomenon we call God, Holy, Infinite, Miracle, Soul, Allah, Buddha,  Christ, YHWH, and the like—soaring and immobilized at once? 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

2016.06.12 The Quality Of Mercy

A MERCY BLESSING

May God give you:
For every challenge, Wisdom;
For every stony path, Strong Shoes;
For every storm, a Rainbow;
For every hardship, Support;
For every journey, Faithful Companions;
For every concern, Hope;
For every blessing, Gratitude;
For  every prayer, an Answer;

And may all life's seasons bring God's
        gift of MERCY to
You and those you love.
          AMEN
 (Based in part from an Irish Blessing. Michele Aronica, RSM)

Last week I was on retreat at Mercy Center in Madison, CT.  This blessing was framed and in each room. I awoke to it very morning and its truth sank into me. This is all I want and hope for: not that stony paths, challenges, hardship and all the rest will bypass me, but that I will have gifts to help me keep going, especially faithful companions and Hope. Hope, to me is the greatest of the Big Three spiritual gifts: faith, hope, and love. (St. Paul thought love, but he might've been wrong, ya know!)

  When I told someone that I'd been on a silent retreat for a week, she said, "A whole week?"—followed by, "You and Dick?" Some things are quite astonishing. I told her we weren't rigid about it, and that we convened each evening to sit outside and chat, or just sit and gaze at the natural beauty of the sound stretching before us and all the glorious trees that adorn the Mercy property. I added: "You know the silence, after a while, becomes a friend, one whose comfort you begin to appreciate like an over-soul." (Over-soul is a Jewish descriptor of the affects of a true Sabbath rest.)

Mercy is different from compassion or sympathy, or even empathy. Mercy has the power to soothe, season, or soften all life's aches and pains, all our passions, strivings, even the great and righteous judgments we make, and the social justice causes for which we labor.  James, the most practical book in the New Testament, makes a big deal about the unity of faith and deeds—one no good without the other. Yet even James reminds us, almost casually, "For judgment will be without mercy to anyone who has shown no mercy; . . ."    And btw: ". . . mercy triumphs over judgment." (James 2:13b)  [Italics mine]

Biblically, mercy is translated as divine lovingkindness toward all living things. In Hebrew it's chesed, and in Greek eleo, both rooted in the word which means guts or womb (racham and splagchnizoai)".  I do so love words.

And from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice:

The quality of mercy is not strained;
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
‘T is mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown:
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God’s
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew, 
Though justice be thy plea, consider this,
That, in the course of justice, none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much
To mitigate the justice of thy plea;
Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice
Must needs give sentence ‘gainst the merchant there.
 
By all means, do not forget to be merciful with yourself, please. Godde will assist.